Kindness starts with you
Self-kindness at work can feel awkward. Many of us have absorbed the story that it’s weak, self-indulgent or a distraction from “real work.” But here’s the reality: kindness starts with you.
When you treat yourself with compassion, you’re not just making your own life easier – you’re quietly showing everyone around you that it’s safe for them to do the same. Your self-talk, your boundaries and the way you look after yourself become a form of role-modelling. That’s the real leadership.
Ignore self-kindness, and things spiral. Leaders who run on fumes don’t just burn themselves out – they create a culture where everyone feels they have to do the same. Stress, guilt and silence creep in, and before you know it, psychological safety disappears.
What does self-kindness at work actually look like?
Self-kindness isn’t fluffy. It’s practical. It’s the foundation of resilient, compassionate leadership. At its heart are three skills:
Self-talk: Notice when your inner critic is on repeat. Instead of “I’m failing” or “I’ll never get this right,” practise reframing: “This part is tough, but I’m learning” or “I forgot one detail, but I also got a lot right.”
Self-acceptance: Status anxiety (as Alain de Botton puts it) tricks us into endless comparison – measuring ourselves against colleagues, neighbours or old school friends. Self-acceptance means stepping off that treadmill and recognising: I am enough.
Self-care: Leaders who don’t rest, eat well or say no to unrealistic demands are teaching their teams that exhaustion is the price of belonging. That’s the busy-ness fallacy – believing life will “calm down in two weeks.” It rarely does. Recovery isn’t indulgence, it’s fuel.
Why self-kindness feels so hard
If self-compassion at work is so rational, why do we resist it? Blame your lizard brain – the amygdala. It evolved to keep us safe from sabre-toothed tigers, but now it treats an email from your boss like mortal danger.
That’s why, just before you speak in a meeting, you hear: “Don’t screw up.” It’s why you stay late to avoid looking unreliable. It’s why you feel guilty for leaving on time. These are cognitive distortions – mental tricks we play on ourselves.
Clinical psychologist Nick Wignall lists ten of them: mind-reading, over-generalisation, magnification, minimisation, emotional reasoning, black-and-white thinking, personalisation, fortune-telling, labelling and the dreaded “should” statements. None of them tell the whole truth.
The first step to kinder self-talk is to catch these distortions in action. Label them. Then reframe them. You’re not “failing” – you’re “facing challenges and learning.” You’re not “lazy” – you’re “protecting energy for tomorrow.” It feels awkward at first, but it works.
From scarcity mentality to abundance mindset
Many leaders are fuelled by an unspoken scarcity narrative: “If I don’t work harder, I’ll fall behind.” Or, “If I don’t say yes, I’ll miss out.”
Economist Peter Koenig talks about the stories we inherit about money: that it equals security, power, freedom or success. Those stories creep into how we treat ourselves and others at work. But the truth? Money is just a story. Abundance isn’t about winning the lottery – it’s about choosing to feel that there is enough, right here, right now.
That shift from scarcity to abundance changes everything. A leader who operates from abundance is calmer, less defensive and more open. And that openness is what creates trust at work.
Saying no without guilt
One of the most powerful self-care practices for leaders is learning to say no. Derek Sivers puts it bluntly: “Hell yeah – or no.”
You don’t have to apologise for having limits. In fact, setting boundaries makes collaboration clearer.
Try phrases like:
“I can do this by Friday, or that by Wednesday – which helps you more?”
“I’m not the right person to lead this, but X can handle it well.”
“Yes to the outcome, no to this method – here’s an alternative.”
Boundaries are not barriers – they’re clarity. And clarity is kind.
How kindness builds psychological safety
Psychological safety, as Amy Edmondson describes, is the shared belief that it’s safe to speak up, make mistakes and learn. You don’t create that with slogans on posters. You create it by modelling how to treat yourself.
Clarity: Set clear expectations and boundaries.
Empathy: Listen deeply, without rushing to judgement.
Accountability: Give feedback directly, but with respect.
Kind ≠ Nice. It’s not about avoiding the hard stuff. It’s about facing it with care.
Quick self-care ideas for busy leaders
If you’re caught in the busy-ness fallacy, here are five small resets that take less than ten minutes:
A 90-second breathing pause before a tough conversation
A short walk at lunchtime, without your phone
A glass of water between back-to-back calls
Writing down three things you’re grateful for after work
Blocking out one evening a week for rest, not emails
These micro-habits show your team what sustainable leadership looks like.
The ripple effect of self-kindness
When you practise self-kindness, you give more than you take. You build psychological safety. You make trust easier. You give others permission to care for themselves.
There’s no glory in exhaustion. There’s no prize for ignoring your needs. The kindest leaders know that their own well-being is not a side project – it’s the foundation for everything else.
If you're after real-world tools (not just talk), I’ve gathered them all in one place at my Kindful resources page. You’ll find everything from the 4-Week Kindness Challenge to guides on practising kindness at work.
Explore more here: Discover Kindful Resources →
FAQ — Self-Kindness
What does self-kindness actually mean?
It’s treating yourself with the same care you’d show a good friend – choosing supportive self-talk, accepting imperfections and giving yourself permission to rest.
Why is self-kindness so important?
How you treat yourself shapes how you show up for others. Without self-kindness, stress and burnout take over. With it, you create the clarity, energy and empathy needed for stronger relationships and better work.
How do I stop negative self-talk?
Notice the inner critic, write down the negative thought and ask if it’s really true. Then reframe it into a kinder, more realistic statement you can believe.
What are some quick self-care ideas?
Try a short walk without your phone, a 90-second breathing exercise, adding a five-minute buffer between meetings or writing down three things you’re grateful for. Small acts add up.
What’s the difference between kind and nice?
Niceness aims to please and avoid conflict. Kindness mixes clarity, empathy and accountability – even when that means saying something uncomfortable.